Thursday, September 1, 2011

I'll understand if you think less of me

So. The movies. I literally never go to the movie theater. Well, literally in the figurative sense. I did go about eighteen months ago. Anyway. I went to see The Help on Friday night with some girlfriends and I was all in a tizzy beforehand. Should I wear pants? Bring a sweater? Sneak candy in? Order a drink there? What was I supposed to do during the movie? Play with silly putty? Yes, silly putty sounds right.

Into the purse silly putty goes. Along with a sweater and kleenex in case the inevitable happens and I cry at some point.

Ryan said I was acting as crazy as if I had just received notice I was going to tea with the Queen of England. He clearly doesn't understand my anxiety surrounding movie theaters.

To begin, it is too dang expensive to go. Thankfully, my kind and generous friend Sarah gave me one of her comp tickets, so it was free for me. But still! Everyone else there had paid, what, like twenty dollars apiece to be there? Since I haven't been in awhile, I don't know what the ticket cost is, but I am pretty sure it's a kajillion dollars.

Secondly, WHO SAT IN MY SEAT BEFORE ME? Did they have lice? Had they showered recently?

Thirdly, the rules. My word, the rules! I sat there for at least three minutes being reminded to stop talking, turn off my cell phone, keep my feet off the seat in front of me, and buy concessions.

Fourthly, the previews. They cause me great anxiety because I think, "Oh, I may like that movie. I'll have to remember to see it when it comes out on DVD in approximately EIGHTEEN MONTHS." And then I never remember what movies to rent when I am at Redbox.

Fifthly, the group laughter and claps. I loathe this. Ma'am, the producers only included that stupid line in the movie so predictable movie-goers like you would laugh out loud. You are playing right into the producers' hands just like this silly putty is doing in my own hands.

Sixthly, I can't NOT cry at a movie. So when the lights come up at the end, I look like a horrified zombie and try to exit the theater as quickly as possible, which isn't very quickly since we are being herded like the slow, fat cattle we are (see: concessions).

Also, I read too many books. They just ruin movies for me. This movie was not even close to as good as the book, no matter what other people say. Maybe I can go to Hollywood and actually make a movie that is equal to the book and then play it in small rooms with fresh chairs and free food and people who promise not to laugh too loudly.

Yeah, that sounds like a good use for my life.


  1. Yes! Books are far better than movies. I'll never forget when I finally saw the "Wizard of Oz" only to discover that it doesn't follow the well-worn Frank Baum book I'd read all of my life. I kept whispering to John that the movie had the story wrong - including the ending! What a disappointment... Sign me up for the movie you write and produce!

  2. This reminds me of watching "Gone With the Wind" for the first time. Beautiful movie, but such a condensed version of the book! Okay, I guess you can't expect people to sit through a 6-8 hour movie, but still...! I haven't been to a theater in years, partly because of the many annoyances you mentioned (including using a seat that may be loaded with bedbugs - ewww.)

  3. I like the movies you make now--starring Coralie and Madeline. Park me on the couch and bring on the popcorn!